California Christmas

My last post makes me laugh. December has been pretty slack as the past few days I've been on the road. I finally broke last posts graph after about 25,000ish hands and once arriving in Cali I continued on a horrible cash game streak. 3,400 hands and stuck about 6bi. Thank goodness for my sit n go / tournament success this month as I picked up 4th in the daily PLO re buy, won a $26 45 man and pulled 2nd in a $75 45 man. Those pulled the month barely into the green... Wanted to scratch that last posts on the top of my blog but it does show the level of frustration I"ve been dealing with lately. California is nice and I've got my laptop and 2nd monitor set up w/ an air card... my girlfriends family cooks/drinks/socializes while the degenerate boyfriend sits in the living room 8 tabling. Lucky for me they don't judge:) Looking forward to getting this old car we got out here fixed up and on the road back to LV hopefully Jan. 2nd to give THE CITY OF LIGHTS a ...... (if you count all my 'shots' out there pre living... 6th/7th try) hopefully this is the one that sticks, and I have all the attributes I need to stack up some real money.

Life's good. Playing a little to passive in cash but my tournament focus has been strong as I've been lowering tables and really focusing. On top of that I've been trying out a little HU -- so we'll see. I really seem to be owning some fools.

Dec. 09' FUCK ME IN THE ASS

cock SUCKER MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT .... CUNT WHORE BITCH FUCKING POKERRRRR

SUCK MY FUCKING COCK YOU FUCKING ASS CUNT


JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

FUCKING 25,000 FUCKING HANDS OF PURE FUCKING BULLSHIT

I FUCKING HATE THISG AME SON OF A BITCH

FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER

I HATE MYSELF

FUCK

IF I LOSE ANOTHER FUCKING HAND I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE

I punched my monitor so fucking hard today I about cracked the screen. The 19" samsung flatscreens are pretty fucking tough. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Fucking Poker friend was telling me how bad he was running. I commented that some of the best multi tablers go through 50,000 hand losing or break even streaks. HERE I FUCKING AM.... 25,000ish hands in and I'm fucking buried.

Fucking miserable. Shit is un fucking believable. Flopping nut straight on an all flush board with the K of diamonds. Get it all in thinking I'm gonna be freerolling -- nope! He's got A of diamonds.... RIVER diamond... BLAH BLAH ACES VS KINGS I SLOW PLAY K HIGH BOARD FUCK ME.... IT'S LIKE THEY CAN SEE MY FUCKING GOD DAMN FUCKING CARDS
SET OVER SET BLAH BLAH FUCK

THIS IS FUCKED UP


*DEEP BREATH*

nothing is helping

I'm playing really well

variance my fucking ass

I try not to let poker effect my every day overall being... but fuck me work is carrying over. I'm so fucking fed up -- and I guess it's inevitable... but shit... what the fuck is this? It's been fucking days of this fucking alsdfjlaskdfjasklfjklasfjklasfjklasjflkasjflaskfasjklfjlasdkfjlaskdfjlasdfjaslfkasdfklasjdfasldfjasldfkjasldfkjasdfl

I'll get it back. Pure Positivity... right?

ugh... here's a chart




FUCK




I remember coming into poker people on forums told me only 2% of people make it professionally. I remember now why it's so difficult. My girl knows enough about the game to make sure I'm playing fundamentally sound and now spewing. I call her into the room when things start to go like shit and she ensures me that I'm playing well. (as well as she knows at least) FUCK, this shit is so fucking crazy. Reminds me why I opened the restaurant.... to hopefully not have to depend on this fucking game to fucking have money and live. I feel like such a fucking waste of fucking space. So much fucking intelligence and potential and I waste it fucking away playing a fucking game.

fuck me I'm miserable

taking a day or two off.......................................................................................




Remember that this is just a bump in the road. Variance. Things will turn. You are a winning player. The more you play the more you will win. You're not spewing; and in fact most players would have lost even more than this. You've been playing pretty fucking smart despite the deck just ruining you.

Keep on keeping on.

Nov. 09' Worken Hard!

Still in FL. This month I've been spending as much time with immediate family as possible. Saturdays are spent Garage saling .... YES garage sales w/ my mom where I find l33t deals and sell things on ebay:) Sundays are spent over at my sisters enjoying the Tampa bay Bucs ridiculous season of 1-10! Mondays my brother and I check out local coin shops as I'm continuing on becoming a semi professional numismatic. Poker is going very stready and I've plugged most leaks outside the game, besides eating out to damn much! Kobe, Tu Tu Tango, Panera Bread, Straubs Seafood, Olive Garden, Busch Gardens:) .... I gotta get my girl back in the damn kitchen. I apologize for the normality and dullness of what my blog has become; this is just what I need right now to lay the foundation to get myself into a situation of being set up again in LV.... to pursue the dream of traveling the world and playing professional poker.





Good times all in all. I just hope I'm not playing it to safe to see my entire life become a grind. Turtle wins the race though... right?

Oct. 09. Worken Hard!

I've been blog slacking. I figure a pic says 1,000 words so...focused on 4,000 hands a day in Oct. Nov. goals include HANDS not results and just CRUNCHING it out. At least 4k hands a day, 24k hands a week and 96,000 hands a month!

Lee Watkinsons Cash Out While You Can!

This post was so good I had to save it in my blog and hopefully bring more eyes to it.

Cashout while you can! by Lee Watkinson | Published: Oct 08, '09

We are all playing in home game where the host is a super live one! He splashes the pots and we all love it almost everyone has been winning and everyone has been having a great time. The problem is he is also the banker and thinks nothing of going and getting another rack of chips even though he dosent put up any cash.
The US government is the host of our game, our dollars are the chips.
The government prints money whenever it needs to pay for something, like a war or a bailout. There is nothing behind the US dollar(or any other fiat currency). Politicians throughout history have used currency debasement as a hidden tax and every fiat currency has gone out worthless. So will the dollar.
This week there have been rumors that oil producers are going to stop accepting dollars for settlement, which has sent gold to all time record highs.
If you are a winning player don’t get stuck holding the bad chips, cashout early!
No other currency is safe either though, not british sterling to be sure. Buy real things with your money. Gold is one good option. You can buy gold and silver etf’s on the stock exchange, but there is some question as to how safe they will be if the dollar totally collapses, which it will eventually.
This game might keep going a little while. The big winners have figured out whats going on(China for one), and are trying to figure out how to quietly cash in as many of there bad chips as possible before the game ends and noone gets paid. The host isn’t going to redeem all there chips and he’s a big powerfull mafia type guy who isn’t about to sell his house to pay off the chips.
Who knows China might move the game to his house next.
Seriously though don’t keep your assets in dollars, T-bills, ect…guaranteed big time inflation on the way, soon. The Federal Reserve isn’t even part of the government, did you know that, it’s a bank.

Florida Focus

I'm in Florida. I love it:) FSU / Bucs on weekends -- 4,000 hands a day min. or 28,000 a week. I'm a fucking online grinder! Half the time I don't know what day it is.... I try my best to make it up early on Saturdays to Garage sale and get together with whomever is hosting on game days. Took my sister+kids n family to Arabian nights dinner show other day; haven't had one alcholic beverage since March/April in LV. No pot. Clean life, clean mind. Changed my name on the restaurant from Partner to Investor and all that has been sorted out. No more money dumping out of my pockets for that endevear. Focus is POKER POKER -- INCREASE GAME MAKE MONEY LEARN LEARN LEARN. Currently running 5bb/100 over 50,000 hands. Smashing. Will be in FL till Thanksgiving; then Cali for Dec. and have a homestead lined up for LV Jan 1st. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS excited to be free again on the grind.

Sorry for in activity on blog -- I move from my Computer chair to the X box chair and back again. ;)

Strange Situations in Biloxi

While playing in Biloxi this last week I witnessed a couple things that I had never seen before.


** During a $1/$2 NLHE hand the betting went; raise to $15 and called in 6 spots. On a Qs/10s/4 board it was bet $20 and called in three spots. The turn was a brick -- checked to the button raiser who again fired $30 and was looked up by three players. The final board on the river read Qs/10s/4/8h/X missing the flush draws etc. It was checked to the button who had been controlling the action the entire hand who then checked. First player very un-confidently showed the A of club ... dangled his hand and mucked it.... in simultaneous order it very slowly mucked to the button who slowly rolled over 6/9o for a nine high winning around 200 bb's.


**During this $1/$2 NLHE hand I held A/Qo on the button + straddled. 4 limp in front of me for a $28 pot ($5 straddle in Biloxi @ Beau) and I go ahead and squeeze to $30 straight. Called in 3 spots for a $120 pot. Comes down K/J/4 dry and the SB who has a $250ish stack leads for $40 -- call, call, and I come along also... pot grows to $240 and the turn is an offsuite 7. SB leads for $60 -- called in one spot and with the pot now growing to $360 I get extremely stubborn and decide to peal off another card @ 6-1 with an over; call. Rivers a complete airball -- an offsuite deuce for a final board of K/J/4/7/2 and it's checked to me. The SB who had been leading the entire hand only had another $100ish in chips and I didn't feel as though I could bluff him off the hand... so I checked. He flips over A/8o for Ace high -- in between mucks and I flip up A/Qo for a good A high win for a $400ish pot.


**During Event 9 $340 the dealer flipped over my first card; K hearts. As it was exposed.... it had to return to the deck and I was given a new card. I peaked down to see that I held the K of diamonds and my replacement card was a lousy 4. No big deal, right? Well... the flop then came down A/K/2 dry;)


**During Event 8 $340 the lights at the Beau Rivage went out with no Power Generator kicking in. With hundreds of people in the tournament and cash game area it was PITCH BLACK for a good 2 to 3 minutes. Unbelievable! Once the lights finally turned back on we broke for dinner. Upon returning to the poker room we were asked to leave casino! After the blackout the Beau Rivage casino and resort that is MGM operated and owned -- kicked out all of its paying customers! There were old angry slot machine players who couldn't get their money, countless yelling poker players everywhere, mobs of people trying to get buffet comps as NO gaming was being held! Fizzling black and white tv's in every corner of the casino.... ALL computer systems down.... We joked that it was a real life Oceans 11 and we better get out of the place! What a time to rob a casino... eh?:) The tournament didn't resume play until the next day @ 12.


** While returning home to Orlando from Biloxi I received a $257 ticket for going 88mph in a 70mph zone. It was raining on and off pretty good and I broke the myth that Cops don't like to pull people over in the rain. Oops!

PA to GA now FL

I tidied up the last of my 'chores' at the restaurant and then my girl and I packed up the car and were so thrilled to get out of there! We zipped from PA to Savannah in good time. Hit the road at 10:40 pm and I was pulling into my Aunt Karens @ around 9:00am ish. I killed the map quest time, as after you get through Charlotte it's pretty smooth sailing... it's the West Virginia/Virginia fog and swervy roads that make it extremely hard to cruise @ 90mph. We hung out and ate early in Savannah, and then enjoyed a day downtown. Saw the boats, trolleys, stores/bars etc. It's a little more quaint then New Orleans -- cleaner, less crowded, no sewage smells... but it's not nearly as busy or known for a party city. Was nice to break the trip up and see some family I haven't seen in awhile; and after we checked out the town we caught a nap and were back on the road @ 5amish. Arrived back in FL today and dropped right into my Sisters where I hung out with the fam and ate Florida CheeseSteaks as my Brother in Law Bill is on a PhillyCheesesteak kick with some book he just got. Plan is to catch up with all family I can -- grind online Sunday Tournies; and maybe hit road Sunday Night/Early Monday Morning to catch some of the Beau Rivage events in Biloxi. Been stashing away some money here and there while basement trolling it out in PA -- and I've managed myself a live roll! Wow! On top of that; my debt is.... nearly gone -- and the restaurant continues on(bleeding... but continuing). Yipeeeee! Setting my mind on carefree, and really trying to just apprectiate each and every moment with family and not worry to much about anything. Life's good and I'm free as a bird. :)


Cheers to a wonderful Poker September!

Happiness

A friend Sleepy commented, "Above all, do things that make you happy, be happy - there is nothing in life without happiness."

So true. I've been so caught up in the day to day restaurant / online poker grind... that I've lost all passion for where I was trying to get. I've set my financial par and definition of success higher then most and that's hindering my overall happiness. Bad. I have to re-look @ where I'm at, where I'm going and see that I truly am successful in comparison to not only the rest of the poker community -- but the overall average American. I'm not saying I'm fucking Bill Gates, Daniel N or a Saint by any means; but I'm producing, building, benefiting the local community and attempting to set up some 'outs' outside 52 cards. All in due time.

What makes me happy?

Freedom.

Taking care of the last of what needs to be done, setting up all the pieces inside this restaurant with key employees and my partner -- and all the while finishing up CC debt and packing my pockets with Benjamins is what will make me happy when blogging in the coming weeks.

The thought of packing up my luxurious Cadillac Deville, with no obligations, a pocket full of cash, and nothing but the road ahead of me sparks up feelings of excitement that were once lost. How were they lost? I was in such a deep fucking hole that even when I looked up... I couldn't see the light. Day after day, week after week... month after month and now two years later I'm finally seeing some light. I've been scraping and digging and fighting my way out of this trench of a hole I dug myself in with this business and now.... I'm setting it up to where it's not going to be a huge hinderence over my shoulder anymore. Is this particular business my passion? NO -- but either is poker without something acquired from it. I can see a tangible, working, shining hope of light with this place and my personal future potential. The restaurant can work, without me here... producing cash flow and continuing growing while I go back about to being who I want to be. Doing what I want to do. A free man that can degen it up wherever the fuck he wants in this world drinking and boozing and laughing with the best of them around the green felt.

I've been watching two movies while grinding the last few weeks over and over: Robin Hood and Braveheart. Why? Because I'm grinding and grinding and grinding for one thing....

FINANCIAL... FREEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

and it doesn't take much for me to be happy. Not in the big scheme of things.

I'm getting closer and closer -- and while a certain denomination amount does not 'buy my happiness' and I am definatly not in a state of , "I will be happy when I have ____ or XXX amount of dollars"

I'm feeling the burden lessen off my shoulders, success or failure, win or lose... as long as I am free and happy -- doing what I love; I'll be happy each and every day.

Cheers!

20 some days later

Been awhile since I last posted; and my days still consist of the same things from my last blog post. I work in online poker sessions when I can throughout the day -- and then grind till the wee hours of the morning after my girl and I shut the restaurant down.

We're slowly trucking along, and the shop is just about break even outside of rent and sales tax. It's still a slight financial burden -- but at least it strokes my ego knowing that my names on the front door. That's cool.

The truth is, a lot of things in life; I believe... will cost more and take longer than expected. Maybe? I'm still young and have a head full of ideas that I want to put into motion.

Since my last post my girl and I have made it out to the Mountaineer Casino in West Virginia (2x) where we degened it out on slot machines (she loves the damn bonus's) and I got a little poker playing in. Not any games higher then $2/$5 (not that I can really afford it atm) but I still managed to play some $2/$5. Nothing to exciting -- I played one big pot with KK where EP breaks for $20, called in between I re-raise to $80 from the BB with KK. We take a flop HU of 2/3/5 I lead out $140 and he shoves for $250ish. I call and it comes off J J. Guy flips over AJ! LOL!

Mountaineer runs a cool 'Splash the Pot' promotion where every other hour they put in three tickets into the pot, and in the corresponding hour they draw a ticket out of the raffle. You first have to win the tickets -- then win the raffle. You also have to be present to win the prize of spinning a huge wheel in the back of the room with varying denominations from $25-$100. Well, it was the wee hours of the morning and they plopped down three tickets into the pot. I very kindly asked the table if we could all limp; and let the cards speak. Some doushbag at my table said, "No fuck that!" and I very politely raised to $42 out of the SB in a $1/$2 NLHE game after looking down at an A/8o. I won the pot, and the next hour with only 4 tables running... I felt like I had about a 25% shot at it! To my delight, they drew my ticket... and I got to spin that beautiful wheel! You get three shots at it, but once you quit -- or are down to your third spin you gotta take the cash. I spun $40, $40, and then $50:) I was amped up, yelling and screaming like I was one of the crazies from the WSOP. The cute cashier said she enjoyed my show, and mentioned that the rooom needed more excitement;)

After re-reading my last post which I barely recall, it's funny to me how such a detrimental day just under a month ago is completely forgotten today. Since then I've put in an un countable amount of hours working the restaurant and grinding online. I dumped my fulltilt roll due to outside circumstances that I cannot post here in this blog -- but for memories sake... I lost my rakeback provider and had to register for a new one. The good side of this is that in the process of picking up a new rakeback provider -- I cashed in 270,000ish FTP points for the dual core mac book they have on there without a rake reduction! VERY NICE!!!

I decided to take part in the 100% up to $1,000 deposit bonus @ http://www.playersonly.com/ if you make your way over there -- make sure you first sign up for rake @ http://www.raketherace.com/ and use BuckyLastard420 as your referrer!

Between the deposit bonus, 33% rake, the raketherace promotion (if I produce $2,500 in rake I get $450) gold cards, gold chips -- I have so many damn bonus's on the site I love it! The downfall of this is that I'm constantly seeing 5-7 regs at most of my tables and there's not a huge selection of games.

I re-built my dead bankroll of $1,000 into $5,000ish since last post -- so that's inspiring. I'm also in the home stretch of paying down the last of my CC bill to NEVER worry about that again. For future reference personal CC's should not be used for business. Just grind the cash out first; then invest. Lesson learned.

Due to the short tables on Players, a friend sent a gift of $100 on FTP and said -- gamble it up:) I'm pulling a Chris Jesus Ferguson and gonna work that up to a sufficient bankroll. My friends joke and tell me it's like 're-rolling a character' like we used to do in Ultima Online. It really is; and I'm really damn good at it. I'm currently @ $370ish and FTP graced me with a wonderful blessing of a $500 bonus to help my efforts! Hooowah!!!


I'm overall a little bit more optimistic now then I was last month. CC bills getting paid, I have different options that I'm taking with the restaurant and I seem to be on the same page with Mr. I-Ching, and Mr. Glowember as far as where I'm taking this business and different continuing / exit strategies. Just as Poker -- restauranteuring is also a gamble. So here I am; gambling it up.


In the last 30 days I've also been practicing my new hobby of numismatics (sp?) which is the collecting of coins. I've been going at this for the past year or so -- at first just buying up all sorts of nonsense; commeratives, silver, gold, roman, greek... whatever I found that 'looked cool'. It transisted from vegas chips, to Vegas Silver strikes... and now to SilverStrikes/Coins. this past month I've picked up dozens of standing Liberty quarters, two cent pieces (yes there's a two cent piece! American!) three cent pieces! (they're so neat too!) and bags full of wheat pennies.

My coin collecting goals consist of:

One of each wheat by date and mint. Condition does not matter.

One of each two cent piece by date and mint.

One of each three cent piece by date and mint.

A collection that exceeds $10,000 that would easily sell @ a coin show for liquid cash.


Hanging out at my local coin shop and bartering / building my collection has been my only get a way from this restaurant the past 3 months. That and the Mountaineer. It could be worse:)


My girl and I have an exit strategy to be getting out of the NorthWest here within the next few weeks. In that time I have to finish up some advertising plans, fix up the Cadillac, and blah blah who cares. I'll get it done!

I *hope* to make it out to Biloxi in early sept. to enjoy the peace and quiet of the Gulf Ocean and get in some poker. I consider Biloxi to be my 'Casino HomeTown' as I used to make the drive under age with a fake ID while living in Tallahassee FL years ago. Best $15/$30/Rock game in the country -- and to this day still the first 'rock' game that I've witnessed in a casino. Good times.

I'm going to scrap together $5,000 -- and then $10,000 liquid here shortly; and be a true road gambler again soon. San Diego Oceans 11, the DeadRanch in South Dakota, the Mexican Riveria CardPlayer Cruise out of LA, Costa Rica Casinos /wpt (when is this?) and a few other Casino Destination spots cross my mind when wanting to get away.

Everythings falling into place and before long I'll not only be debt free, but will be sitting on an online bankroll, live roll, a producing restaurant... and hopefully some shots @ some tournaments.

these days....

These days consist of restauranteuring. I cook, clean, wait tables, balance check books, interview employees, fire employees, train new employees, market, go to chamber meetings, yell at customer service reps, cost out menus, dry wall, demolition, research, delivery drive....

I'm hopeful for the future. But I would most def. say that I worry about the future of the business, economy, and the nation as a whole more then I really should. Worrying is accomplishing nothing -- but I don't want to be oblivious to what could be. Even though I'm putting forth so much effort/time/mental energy; there are so many outside forces that I just can't control.

My blogging has been half ass, and flipping back to 2006... damn! I was so pie in the sky, care free... and really putting down some real good shit! Thing is, I'm different now. Im a lot more concrete, I rely on my own wits/knowledge/judgement rather then... the unseen or unknown, emotions, God or metaphysics.

I'm not sure which one is working better... I was pretty broke back then -- having $10,000 in my pocket was a big deal. It'd be a big deal now but I'm FINALLY crossing that last border in paying off the final $6,000 of $20,000 CC bill *wipes brow*

Nights like tonight remind me why I began this restaurant... I played my ass off to find myself stuck 7 buy ins. My girl was sweating me -- and I was playing solid for the most part. KK to AA twice, set to set... yada yada. Not much I can do; it's just that I have so much RISK OF RUIN that the -33% bankroll hits are extremely gut wrenching.

The double stress of working/worrying/financing of the restaurant combined with poker at times can be .... so sickening that I honestly believe I could just about vomit. I do believe that I'm un-happy more days than happy and that's bad.

The thought of closing this down and playing strictly professional poker again doesn't spark thoughts of excitement like it used to. I just know I can do it; make by... and have shots here and there and some real 'fuck you' money. I just want so much more -- and I do NOT want to rely solely on 52 cards to take care of myself, girlfriend, and any family that I would ever dream of bringing into this world.

Fact is the restaurant is continuing to make by on its own outside of rent. If I withdrew myself and my girlfriend from the restaurant would it continue on like it is? That's the thing -- I think we're eating up enough payroll to say... it'd be teetering.

*sigh*

This post from 2006 made me happy,

"There is no inexorable fate, nothing foreordained or predestined. Your thoughts and feelings control your destiny." "Every condition, experience, and event in my life is picturing.... in the outer world, patterns of thoughts in my conscience mind, followed with a firm belief system within my subconscious mind"
I love it when my life feels as though it's working in perfect synchronicity. I fall on and off this path on a daily basis. A strong belief system in myself, and in God - followed with pure positive thoughts/feelings is what creates this synergy. The right people and circumstances just begin falling properly into place. Whatever I have planned out for my future self seems to pan right out:)" (Re-reading... I want that synergy again.... where did it go????)


Erasing the sickness from the pit of my stomach due to this business and poker would be great. the sick feeling that follows -7 bi days isn't due to money lost. It's because I have this overwhelming feeling that I HAVE TO PRODUCE to pay bills, make CC payments etc. etc.

These same feelings will NEVER ERASE themselves if I want to live a semi 'normal' life (without making that huge score.) if it's not restaurant it'd be mortgage, insurance, groceries etc. etc.

The plan was this restaurant would give me enough residual income that my poker could be brought down to a semi normal pace -- and build upon itself rather than constantly get chipped away at. Soon, hopefully. Give it 6 months.


Money right now is the tightest it's been since I opened this place. Posting with absolutely no Ego I'm down to my last 10 bi's and it's FUCKING GO TIME. In fact tonights hit of -7 bi's was almost about 50% of my BR! How many times have I done this? Do all gamblers go through this? I'm building bankroll after bankroll from scratch. Am I not taking enough shots at bigger games? Am I playing to tight? Am I to worried about going broke? Do other people put in the resilience that I have? Does it matter?


I posted goals, what's more important are dreams.


**I dream of my restaurant, Marco's -- taking care of itself finacially so I do not have to re-invest another dime.

**I dream of my restaurant, Marco's -- taking care of itself fundamentally so I can stop investing 8-12 hour days.

** I dream that I can get out of CC debt within a reasonable amount of time; say by Nov. 16th 2009. (random -- but it'll be fun to see on that day where I'm at;))

** I dream that I can build my live roll to $5,000 liquid to get back to traveling the circuit a bit; playing some cash, lower limit tournaments, and satelliting into some bigger events. On top of this I'd love to re-join a handful of my buddies on the road.

** I dream of building and maintaining my online bankroll of $10,000.

** I dream of putting away the proper funding to buy a house sometime in the first half of 2010. To make this dream a reality I will have to save $15,000 (or around $1,000 a month starting now)

** I dream that God will insert the proper circumstances, people, tools, to re invigorate my mind and emotions to feel .... well... to feel like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ1Wfa-3FOI&feature=related





Nothing is stopping me from reaching my dreams and goals except myself. Be thankful for what is, right now. Enjoy the ride -- focus on your goals and realize that nothing happens over night. I'm doing the best I can with the tools in front of me right now.



DEEEEEEEP BREATHHHHHHH


APPRECTIATION


Know deep down that everything is going to be ok..... broke or rich... young or old everything is going to be ok. It's going to be ok. Do not let finances control your well being or overall happiness. Remember your spirtual roots. Remember, most importantly -- that I'm living within the Grace of God.

HUNGRY

Argh!!!!! Just busted nightly $109 over on Players. 180ish players -- first was $3,880 and I had chip lead with 11 left. I fucked that off and busted.... 9th for ($300ish?)

ASLDKFJLASKDFJLASFJALSFASLDFJ

1k/2k/200

My stack is @ 130,000 and opponent has 60kish.

A/10o UTG and image was Tight/Aggro. I open for my standard of 6,700ish and opp. flats button; HU.

Flop is J/10/4 two tone. Pots @ 17,400 and I fire 15,000 with the thought of "If he has the balls to raise this he has gotta have a hand"

Well, he does. He slams AI.

Ok, after my flop bet and his call/ there's = 34,800 in the pot and 40k ish to call. Pretty marginal. I was pretty un-sure of what he held and thought he could hold a hand like A/2 for a flush draw. K/Qo for a straight draw over even K/10o? 8/9? My numbers may be SLIGHTLY off as I do recall having a little closer than 1.5-1. (Retrospect I had 1-1) I called, throwing my stack down to 50,000ish if I lost.

He flipped over a set of J's and I was crippled:(

Final table; two mis plays.

Blinds are large; 1.5k/3k/ante

KK in SB, folded to VERY AGGRO CHIP LEADER and he open min. raises from button to 6,000. I re popped to 12,000 straight barely min raising him putting in just about 1/3rd my stack. I set off red flares here and he insta mucked. Stupid! I should FLAT and gamble or shove AIPF!

I ran QQ into KK against the only guy who I had covered and then shortly after... same level;

J/5s on button -- open limped 2 off button, chip leader limps button. I slam 22,500 into a 10k plus pot and *I'M FUCKING RETARDED... FOLDED TO CHIP LEADER AND HE'S PRICED ATC* He had K/Jo and I'm out.

I should have picked a better spot with my extremely short stack.

I also should have played those Kings better.

Now and Then

My business partner insisted I dig deep into the archives of my blog and 'figure out' what I was doing poker wise when we started this restaurant. What did I learn?

Well, that I used to be one hell of a fucking blogger! I sure had some good fucking stories and some really really deep insight. Why has this changed? I've lacked motivation -- and the restaurant has been a lot tougher then I thought it would be.

Here's some things I read that really touched home:

"**Luck and the connecting with faith goes hand in hand. A clear mind, and strong belief system not only keeps me fulfilled but voids out feelings of anger and hate.

**Luck/faith are very important -- but remember that you have been given freewill! I AM in control of my own circumstances, and don't give up a bad streak of cards to 'luck'. Ultimately I am in control of my destiny, life just throws in wonderous 'coincidences' at times."

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Why am I so ungrateful for my current circumstances? I have more going for me then I ever did in Las Vegas -- and I'm that much more disciplined compared to two years ago. I've acquired one hell of a partner and I also now own the BEST restaurant in this little county i've found myself in.

Despite the restaurant still being in the red -- it's balancing out now and hasn't required any outside cash flow since March/April (outside of lease money and VERY small online CC kitchen gadgets)


Here are the two seperate issues that I've currently been dealing with. First the logical stuff:

** I haven't been playing 'Who gives a fuck, lets fucking gamble/outplay everyone poker since opening the restaurant. Why? Because I've had responsibilities and I've been trying to, 'lower variance' this hasn't caused me to lose -- but it's brought my bb of 4.5/100 to around 2bb/100

** Alongside not earning as much -- what I do earn is being recycled into restaurant(should be just about done now) and CC debt (will be out of debt here completely soon!)

** And then the topping to those two circumstances is that I've been pretty short rolled since opening restaurant; constantly borrowing/playing on borrow or playing WAY underrolled.



Now to the 2nd set of problems.

I've forgot where I'm going -- what I'm trying to build, and why. What's the dream? What do I want?

I've also been very angry, spiteful, and resentful of my current life circumstances. Why? Because I've been working like a dog -- but this is a good thing. Re-reading my old blog posts brought me back to a time where I was even MORE worried about the stability of everything. I DO NOT want to be JUST a poker player; I want to do it all. Restaurants, real estate, movies, coin collecting, ebay, NUI etc. etc.

Most importantly I've fallen away from the core root of my spirtuality beliefs. I MUST APPRECTIATE NOT SUPPLICATE -- BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT IS RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT!!!!


I need to re-focus my brain. Be satisfied with what is now -- and work extremely hard to make what I've started not only WORK but PROSPER.

My last two sessions I've really been THINKING about my actions / players rather than just going through the motions. I forgot that I can read .... whether it's minds or emotions I'm not sure but my 'inklings' are pretty un believable.

I have to re-unite with my zen like attitude and that feeling of exuberance I always carried with me before. I KNOW everything is going to be OK. I AM excited for the future. I AM doing amazing things and really making things happen out of thin air.


One last thing that has been missing is MY GOAL LIST


Goals:

1) Build current roll of 23 bi's to 30.
2) Chop down the last of my CC debt of $6,000 to $0.
3) Really really work hard on my restaurant, COOK EVERYTHING. Learn the business. Price my menu, advertise, enjoy the hype, bickering, long days and it'll pay dues in the end.
4) Most importantly DO NOT FORGET that YOU'RE UNDER THE GRACE OF GOD! This is all a blessing!

Focus on ++ Progression

I fear that my game has become stagnant and I'm simply going through the motions day in and day out and SETTLING with my current earn. I must admit that my earn is down and it's from a combination of things:

1) I'm not motivated due to:
a) Money made isn't 'mine' and it's going to either restaurant rent or CC bills
b) I'm living in Beaver County and there's not a game in sight.

2) My notes are poor. I cannot recall the last time I jotted down start time, hands played, amount $ won or lost. It's been over 6 months. YOU NEED TO TAKE GOOD, PROPER, NOTES! Notes being poor include LACK OF POKER BLOG! Remember why you started this damn thing in the first place! FOR POKER LIFE!

3) Need to study game more and focus more on LEARNING rather then EARNING! Improve game = results will show. READ ALL THE MATERIAL YOU HAVE AROUND YOU!



Going to solve these problems by getting myself out of debt and re-building my live roll/travel fund. FOCUS ON GETTING YOURSELF OUT TO SOME TOURNAMENT SPOTS! THEN pay down some debt after you've taken your shot. Come back home, re - build and try again.

#2 is easy -- fucking take notes, and BLOG GOALS/POKER HANDS/TOURNAMENTS ETC.

#3 = JUST READ MORE


Pretty fucking simple. Apply.

Change of Tune

Life's a freeroll. Anything that I've had, experienced, seen, touched or felt has been quite the trip. My life, as a whole... is so damn blessed. I'm just so fucking spoiled that when I'm not feeling this direct ... 'impact' from God it feels mundane. My current endeveaors are a 'success'. Success being defined as:

- We're feeding families/employing people
- We have the best restaurant in town
-We're making people happy
- We're growing despite this disgusting economy
- We've built a 'family' with the current crew I got now.... it just took awhile for us to sort through the bad apples.

The bad is:

- It's taking longer then expected financially for this place to care for itself.
- My girl and I work like Dogs. and it's effecting my Poker earn
- I can see my partner either being semi lazy, or getting sick again.
- My location is sub par; when coming into it I thought it was stellar.
- My main cook is in ICU, in an indused coma ... with breathing tubes all through him and the place ain't the same w/o him around.


Overall at this point I look back and can say that without knowing what the future held, for the most part I'm always overly optimistic when it comes to business. It's just that, like stated before.... I've lived such a blessed life that I honestly believe that anything I touch will turn to Gold.

I've always had the ability to earn. The abilities I lacked in Sin City were saving, focusing, and using my money to work exponentially. I've solved all those things now. Re-winding myself.... I could have done stocks, I could have done real estate. Both those things would 99% have been a HUGE red mark with no return. The restaurant has potential, and hope.... we've also built a nice customer base and we continue to stay pat + grow during the worst economic time I've seen in my lifetime.

Baring that Obama doesn't turn us into a socialist nation (aren't we half way there already?) and that WWIII or riots don't break out all over the country -- this restaurant WILL build create positive cash flow and take care of all it's (Extremely small in the big scheme of things) debts that it's incurred. The ONLY expense that I've been taking care of is the Lease, and little things here or there on the ol' CC. (Kitchen Gadget, Telephone, Ink online where I save 50% etc.)

*sigh of relief*

It's not that bad and if I would have never attempted something outside of 52 cards again.... I'd of always regretted it. Having multiple streams of income is the goal and I'M NOT THAT FAR FROM OBTAINING THAT AND TAKING MYSELF OUT OF THE PICTURE!!!!

All I have to do is keep going. Stay focused. Continue taking part in the community and while helping them, help the restaurant.


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My thoughts and actions are very spewy. My mind is always thinking about 25 different topics and it's hard for me to write, think or even hold a conversation on one thing for very long. I'm constantly blabbering about poker this, restaurant that, all the while working God into the mix. God should be my main focus -- and if I'm on the correct path with the creator... all else will fall into place. It's true.

Weeks ago I bought some books @ a garage sale. Mostly I pick them up and they collect dust for awhile -- and I only read the first few chapters. After working a 15 hour day yesterday on the 4th before bed, I picked up one of my books and flipped through it to a completely random page. I've been looking for glimpses of hope, a 'sign' so to speak or someone to come into my life and really lead me into the right direction with my faith, and business wrapped into one. There's been a handful of boosts since my last rant post(Felice who owns multiple business's down the street coming in and him looking for inputs on his business/ideas/backing, a party of 30 setting up a party on a Weds after I was down and out w/ the restaurant) This short reading though, I felt was a real beam of light.

the book read, "I don't know where to go to church and I'm so confused as to what ministries I should be supporting" a man confided to the author after one of his services in Pennsylvania. With new congregations springing up like daisies and Christian television programs asking for money about every twenty-two seconds, I'd be baffled, too.




BRB