It's all Good

 Wish I never moved all this data over to Kram420.com years ago - going on two decades worth of blogging - lost. 

Blogging before blogging was cool. Before TikTok, pre-facebook, youtube .... a genuine old school rock star right here, behind the keyboard.

Gosh I feel good.

Started a side gig over CO-VID. Traveling the country a bit - playing some cards. Slow and steady. Things aren't as emotional as they once were as .... well ... I've simply had some sort of mental/emotional break through. In a nutshell:

I just 'know' or feel as though ... everything gonna be alright - whether I'm broke or rich - it's all good.

It's all good.

It's all good.

It's all good.

100% put to much emphasis on earning / saving / work over the course of the past 10-20 years. Yes money is important; though it's not nearly as important as I was brought up to believe.

Slow and steady. Turtle wins the race.

"Zero To Hero" Days 1, 2, 3 ....

Quick note to get the mind right --

Been taking video that I'm gonna upload onto youtube showing me building a bankroll from $0 into $100,000 with no time-restraints!

Doing this by starting out getting staked and STARTING FROM THE BOTTOM by playing in the most ghetto of under-ground games -- (which at some point I believed to be below me) where I'm receiving 50% of my winnings and if I lose it's on the house.

Taking out the trash, could be pulled in and out of the game at my stakers leisure, and cross my fingers and hope my cards hold and I can pull out a lil monies.

First session back was starting on Tuesday, June 9th where I managed to squeeze out a W of $1,024 putting $512 in my pocket.

On top of this challenge I may be dipping into her a bit, simply to eat etc. but I've put myself on a 'financial diet' and w/ this I'm also trying to eat semi-healthy and not fill my skinny fat body w/ a bunch of trash.

So -- took day, Thursday went into local card room and sat w/ the whole shebang and rallied to a much needed victory of +700.

I received a blessing where I am going to pick up a thousand or so getting some high-hand NBA tickets I purchased through the casino returned -- so boom … we're off and running!

Few things I need to do:

*Start a youtube channel that I may or may not go public w/ as of now
* obtain all my old blog stuff from kram420.com
* Win more. Perhaps I could run super hot and pick up the 100,000 in a shorter than imagined time?

Buddy put me into online poker app $220 tournament KO and out of 350ish players we got 36th … finally tabling that woulda been a great boost!

What can ya do?!

Just do your best!!!

DREAM.
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
STAY POSITIVE.

CO-VID COME-BACK

Last couple days I've felt the urge to return to this page and pound some letters into this blank text box; so here I am and here are the words contained! 

Lots going on, with absolutely nothing truly going on it seems. 

They say the world and in turmoil, but when I go outside it's as bright as day and the birds are chirping + my home-garden in my yard is thriving w/ pineapples, cucumbers, a few strawberries etc. I'd say that's quite the opposite of burning, eh? 

In terms of finances it's quite the opposite -- I've accumulated a bit of CC debt and I've drowned what was left of my live poker monies due to CO-VID and all the casinos closing. I must admit, at first I was not taking anything in terms w/ CO-VID serious by any stretch of the word and in fact; was the FIRST person to wear a mask inside my local card room ... as a total joke. As time went on and my boomer parents continually pleaded w/ me to fall into alignment w/ the CC I took complete advantage of it. Honestly I am an absolutely amazing hermit / "Co-VIDer" as staying at home and indulging w/ my 70" TV and gaming PC is a dream come true. 

Co-Vid truly is just an excuse for me, though. One can be extremely successful inside all sorts of economic cycles. Sure -- certain tradesman will excel more than another due to the right climate -- but if one wants it bad enough -- I truly believe if you dig down and there's a will there will be a way. Perhaps it's all the cliche movies / false inspiration one receives as child of America born in the late 20th century ... but when I recite that and while typing it I received an overwhelming flush of euphoria / good goosebumps. 

Co-Vid has just been an excuse for me to turn off all the outside noise, to fall into my lethargic ways of being a 8 year old kid eating macaroni and cheese and not giving a shit what day it is as the only thing I want to be tuned into is what channel Bugs Bunny is on. 37 year old me simply replaces Bugs w/ Netflix and my gaming PC for my Nintendo and boom -- there you have it, a grown ass man in an 8 year old spoiled kids body! 

Boy is it nice turning off whatever I consider 'troubles' in my little bubble and losing track of the days ... and then the weeks ... and then the months ... and what honestly has been YEARS now since home-ownership.

I flip back through my poker-notes over the course of the past 3 years and I've been playing part-time at best. Last OCT. in 2019 I played for SIX ... yes 6 FUCKING HOURS. What a joke!  

I could completely excuse this behavior if I was picking up a new talent / educating myself or even working a min. wage fucking job -- but I wasn't. Hell, I was barely even keeping up w/ my health; and when your health goes your brain isn't to far behind .... or is it because my brain is lacking that my health ... I don't know. 

I have a tendency to get large does of initial passion followed by a month or so of strong drive -- and then burn out. I also do it in the short term micro of things w/ working for 2-3 days w/ no sleep. (both sober and w/ chemical help) as when I am hyper driven I do whatever activity it is until my brain simply shuts down. 

okok so why am I here, again? Well for one this is brain therapy as I once showed a friend years ago how much I typed into blogs and he was in awe that I could ramble on and on and on about ... what?  

Secondly, to keep some sort of accountability for myself. 

Third, to complain here, to myself ... so others don't have to hear my bitching and rants of the poker world / world in general. 

It's also a place that I can give myself some sort of guidance to where I am trying to reach inside this poker world of ours ...

So where is that again? What am I attempting to achieve? Both in life and through poker? 

Well; my sponsoring thought shouts ... I believe from the book Celestine Prophecy by ... James Redfield (fact check) "Creating Heaven on Earth" well ... what's Heaven on Earth?

Honestly, and this is the barbaric answer .... the truth is -- getting my dick sucked by 12 playboy play-mates on the daily and then getting a belly rub from my better-half (my GF whom is practically my wife) and her being proud of me. 

That sounds pretty heavenly to me ... though I know that those playmates could manifest themselves into demons carrying bags of white powder which sends me into a demonic rage of self-indulgent which leads to days of self-pity and who knows what the long term repercussions are ... 

Okok ... so what the fuck is MY personal heaven on Earth as I'd form it today, realistically speaking ...

First I have to come to terms if I want to actually boot-strap the fuck up and put my fucking panties away and get the fuck back into that cardroom and start destroying people or not .... will I be able to play with fierceness/aggression and take their chips away w/ a smile -- and kill assholes w/ kindness when I see they're an immortal/dirty/sleazy person? Am I ready to surround myself w/ smelly, grubby overweight disgusting mother fuckers putting their chicken finger grease on the cards while they hit an 10% from time-to-time and not let it effect my overall appreciation for life?

The answer to these questions is yes -- as I don't know what the fuck else I'd do for money. 

Though after my experiences through poker -- those devastating days and those strings of bad runs even when one is a winning player are pretty tough. I have booked one losing month inside the last 16 years of playing professionally and even w/ that being said -- it's fucking tough. (I only take big shots after big scores and I've encountered overall losing months due to gambling / life degeneracy) 

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If I could live and love my life w/ all this wisdom and experience w/ the same ambition and zest for life that I had going on two decades ago -- oh what a combination that would be. 

Can I find that? Can I find a good mix of ambition / glass half-full attitude while being grounded but not over-worked?  

I haven't taken a hand of poker (outside of a night or so agos JAX staked home-game) and in the course of March/April/May and the first week of June I didn't finish reading one book, or entertain any of my little side-hustles that I'm always going on about while enveloped in poker. 

At what point do I look at myself and admit that I'm not all that motivated to pick up a new line of work, or learn anything else outside of whatever happens to grasp my attention in that exact moment. 

Poker can be tough, sure -- but the financial freedom and life freedom it has provided me WAY exceed the negatives. 

I must stop focusing on the negatives both with poker and in life. I must stop making excuses to pull myself into the cardroom. 

I have to set day, week, month and yearly goes which extend into 5-10 year goals or I will be having this exact conversation 10 years from now. 

Recently I had a very close buddy of mines brother pass away. He was 47 or 48 years old .... and simply had a heart-attack while riding his bike. He wasn't overweight .... just boom, gone. 

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I'M GOING TO TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME.

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME.

MY HEAVEN ON EARTH IS DOING A LITTLE BIT EVERY DAY -- ON MY TIME .... GODS TIME. GODS TIME IS BLESSED. *It's funny how against organized religion I am yet how spiritual I feel towards being immediately connected to a higher power* though perhaps that power has simply been invested in me from that source *shrug* or perhaps I'm just a silly monkey who doesn't know his ass from his elbow so merely believing in something gives me the mental capacity to not blow my god damn brains out. 

Re-reading that last little bit made me ... sort of sad, as ... I've never contemplated ending it all; but as life goes on and shit hits the fan ... and you start growing older etc ... I dunno -- not gonna lie ... one does think about it. **thinking about something and doing an action are two completely separate things** 

Ok -- wasn't I speaking of what my heaven on earth would look like? and ... then ... somehow I'm speaking of blowing my brains out. LOL!  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON. **No I am not under the fucking influence, either** 

CO-VID was just an excuse to tap into my lethargy. Stop doing that. Do a little bit every day. Take advantage of opportunities when they arise. **I have not been doing this**. Go on more poker-trips. Play online and brush up your technical skills to ensure you're evolving along w/ the game of poker! 

These past few months of isolation have given me the chance to really refresh -- and I realize how even despite believing I was grateful for all that is ... I haven't been 100%. 

What a dream with little poker tours going on all over the country/world ... and being able to swoop it, tourism around -- hopefully pick up a bit of coin and then zip out of there. 

I always tend to get overly existential while blogging/writing .... so the cliff notes are this:

Be a good man to my lady. 

Reach out to my friends to ensure they know I'm in their corner. 

Be kind to even the worst of the worst as it truly is to difficult to understand anyones perspective outside of your own. 

Work hard. Work as hard as my Asian mother would expect of me -- but not so much that I burn out and have a fucking mental break down. 

Find some fucking balance. Set some fucking goals.

Goals:

Start small. How?

We're going to play the pretend game and avoid taking a loan out on the house -- business loans, CC run ups and the like. We're going to do this as the 20 year old Kram would do as 1) it's fun 2) it clears your mental brain

Thinking about "I should be playing bigger and this is a waste of time" is really poor thinking and leads to bad decision making. 

It also inflates ones ego -- and honestly ego can be really bad in poker. Sure, self-confidence and confidence in ones game is extremely important ... but never over-seeing your opponent / the game as a whole is a skill-set many do not have. 

_____________

Goal:

0 - 100,000.

Appreciate poker.

One session at a time. Gonna get jump started by playing small and taking advantage of being a house game 'horse'. Pretend as though I'm completely starting over!

Sick

Coming off my largest losing session. My girlfriend takes a lot of what I do for granted and hasn't had a job in over 8 years.

What in the flying fuck?

She has her girlfriends over at the house and wants me to , 'leave' after I just return home from a poker trip where I was playing 12+ hours a day.

I force play a session tonight and have the worst session I've had all month.

Sicker than a fucking dog.

I have a lot of debt.

I'm down to my last buy in.

It feels as though I have the world on my shoulders and no where to turn. It's even worse when your cards are cold and your confidence is in the complete fucking shitter.

Can't get angry.
Can't cry.

Just take all these fucking emotions and push them down even further ....

5 weeks off.

Haven't taken a hand in FIVE WEEKS! Enjoyed a short trip up north to enjoy the change of seasons, quality time with the misses and watched an old friend get hitched. Upon returning home it was home-entertainment, books and gardening.

I've turned into a 65 year old lady it seems.

Passion. Need some of that. More-so than that; it seems -- is money. Unfortunately in this little business of mine having and maintaining a bankroll is important. Coming up with any sort of excuse as to why I have allowed to let my liquid roll slip through my fingers would be nothing less than that of .... an excuse; which is like an asshole -- everyone has got one and I seem to be a big one as of late.

Stimulant intake has been decreased to none. Spontaneous thoughts of wanting to let loose and bender off have been drastically decreased. At times I wonder if my lack of work ethic is in part due to losing my vices. Though I dream of picking up a healthy fitness and sleep lifestyle and hopefully increase my poker profits.

Truly I simply need to get to the bank -- grab a few buy ins and start pumping in some hours here at the local card room and then begin branching out.  Scout out a few fun tournament venues over the course of the next few months that seem not only profitable but exciting.

Life is good. Start looking at every micro-blessing rather than the dread and dreary.
Life is good. Count your blessings.
Life is good. Remember this is a GIFT not a grind! Being able to play a game for a living was always the goal.

Sept -- losing month so far.

60 hours in.

Same old story.

Aderall bender. Burning a hole in my brain. Slept away 3 or 4 days.

Groggy.

Over the past 60 hours I'm losing -$2/hr.

I lost AQcc on a CC board vs a straight draw where Jayson rivers a set for 100bb's each.
KJo on a J high board on turn AI vs 10/10 he rivers two outter.
AA vs KK aipf lose.
Set over set vs tallahassee random kid who added me to facebook K/J/X board we get it all in he has over set.
Lose today with AQ on a Q/Q/3/2/2 boar where opponent has 2/2 and I KNEW TO FOLD BUT I COULDN'T FOR $450 MORE.
Ran AKo into KK aipf vs que
Ran AKo AIPF vs Morgan where I knew to fold.
Folded AKss improperly against the kid from Jordan where he claims JJ.

Making poor decisions because money is low and my confidence is in the shit house.

So dissapointed with myself.

Just a brutal fucked up tough fucking life. Feeling sorry for myself ..................... ugh ...........


My risk of ruin is extremely high. I have the most debt I've ever acquired thus far in my life. Not a lot of happy things to say.

Have to stay sober.
Must avoid the anxiety.
Just stay in the present and make solid decisions.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Two days Jax

Changed it up this weekend w/ a trip to Jacksonvilles summer series. Looking over my stat-sheet it's amazing that last summer during this same series I cashed in every single event I played. 1/1 this series also and I need to continue to just play play play and put myself into big money making situations.

I was fortunate to finish top 20 out of 650 players this tournament but I do believe I need to make some adjustments with 15-20 bb's and not allow myself to fall into the 'red' territory. I'd rather bluff off 15-20 bb then give myself card equity at the lower BB amount? **is this right?**

Came up short in the tournament playing for $42,000 *sigh*.

Jumped in a cash game afterwards (Was exhausted) as I just didn't knwo what else to do. I should have gotten directly in my car and COME HOME. What the fuck? Was a bit frustrated from the deep run and wanted to let loose a bit. Unfortunately no one around to really let loose w/ as it was Sunday and no one I was buddies w/ ran deep in the same tournament. Jumped in a cash game where it went open limp, limp behind -- I pick up AA from CO w/ $550 stack and fish in BB had $25 loaded up already in his right hand that I thought he was going to toss in.

He doesn't. Limped 4 ways plus blinds take flop 6 ways of:

Q/10/3 two-tone diamonds (We have A of Diamonds)

Old man red shirt weird vibe bets $25, asian guy with $300 stack total calls we pop it to $60 to protect our hand and see where we're at.

Original bettor flats and asian guy calls bringing pot size up to $205ish 3-way to turn of 5o.

Now -- there's so many draws out there: KJo, Flush draws, gutters. Lots of one pair hands and I felt like my opponent would raise 3/3, Q/10 and all two pair hands as the board was so wet.

Checked to me and I just over-bet slam. Better tank calls asian guy folds and river is 3. Giving me two pair. He shows 3/3 for quads.

Shit.

He out played the shit out of me.

Upset at giving back what little tournament money I had profited I tuck tailed out of there.

Day off. Kill on Tuesday.

adjustments

Poker is a skill game.

Poker is a skill game.

The more I play the more I will win.

The more I play the more I will win.

That is if my attitude is neutral and I'm not being a spazzy-bitch cry baby.

Few hands recently I played poorly:

AA attempting a 2005 limp-raise and I get caught up with North Eastern Joe Sal on a Q/J/9 board where I bet flop fish called in between and joe-sal raised I insta pitched (as I already mis-played the hand pre-flop) and Joe-Sal took advantage of my passive tendencies.

I pitch Joe shows me bluff.

I need to find the big fold button and stop allowing my ego to take over in these spots. Making big folds at the end of the day/week/month truly adds up to a shit load of money. I made bad calls here:

J/8o against Pappas on the 4-board straight where he called with a gut-shot and hit it. They make bad over-priced calls and get there at times. You know it before you call and they show their hand but continue to do it. Stop it. They are bad and that's how I make a living. Make the read and go with it. He fire $200 (I also think Pappas has a tell where he values $200 despite pot-size) I called and Pappas showed J/6o.

Set of 4s against the old quiet new black man who just has that 'duh' look on his face. I also leveled myself into this one as the first time we encountered each other it was a limped pot (villian limps from SB) I squeeze from BB to $40 and get two callers. Flop: 6/6/2 dry chk I fire $60 (half pot) get a fold and then he re-pops to $120. I didn't believe he was a good enough player to take advantage of my continuation tendencies here and click-back w/ anything less than a 6. I counted out the money to call, went half way and then pitched it instead. I gave him a speech by saying, ,"You're not good enough to raise me" YOURE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

He said, "Fuck you're supposed to call me there".

Next day. Open with 44. Flop: Q/4/7 two-tone clubs. I fire 2/3rds. He calls. Turn X. I fire 2/3rds he calls. River puts up 4 straight Q:4/7/5/6 I fire $75 for value/blocker and he makes it $175. He's like NEVER bluffing here and I just don't think he's valuing two-pair. Felt like A/8cc or A/3cc. I called as I had to see it and he shows me 3/5ss for a straight. Yes, I got un-lucky. Still a spot that I could perhaps find a fold.

I'm playing a bit passive-scared and not playing 'real poker'. More so a grindey type style as money is so tight.

Took two days off and may start heading out to Tampa as there's more games there, perhaps some new walls/faces and my ego / my craziness of thinking that these bad players are taking advantage of my tighter than normal tendencies won't effect my decisions.

I must remember it's a skill game and I am a skilled player. I must find my confidence and my passion and love for the game. Poker is so much better and the money truly flows when I'm having a good time.

Soon enough.  One day at a time.



Few adjustments:

Lower my C-bet continuation bet w/ one pairs/bluffs to 25/30%. I was doing this before and stopped. Half pot is to much especially when stacks are short.

Don't be afraid to just size up pot against fish whom you know are going to call any amount and are playing their hand and not the pot-size. Players such as Chuck or the villian explained w/ the 44 hand.

I must work on my attitude and not show any weakness while losing. I cannot be a grumpy fuck-face while at the tables. Think long-term. Having the respect of the people and not being a twat is important. Remember your first trip to Vegas playing against, "stone face killer" the old man in the $4$8 game and telling Matty how you'd 'NEVER BECOME THAT GUY'. Well I am well on my way.

Stop it.

Poker is a blessing and a dream. Poker is a blessing and a dream. Poker is a blessing and a dream.

Poker is also a lot more fun when you are working on your game and working on new strategies etc. Poker is a lot more fun when learning / advancing and not just focused on the money aspect.

Soon enough.

Down-Swing

UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN.

On around a 400-500bb down-swing. Pretty standard. Got it in bad with AA on a K64 board against 64. Got it in with AK with the K of diamonds on a A/2/3 two-diamond board when opposition held J/9dd for a stone diamond for a 300bb pot and came out on the wrong end.

Lost a huge one on a Q/3/4 two spade board where opponent called off 600bb with 2/3s and a 8x bb pre-flop raise where we got it all in on the flop and she rivered a straight.

blah blah.

Frustrated.

Tilted off a few hundred.  Got angry. Told a few people to go fuck themselves.

Been hiding in my house for 3 days.

Un-healthy life style.

Need balance.

Swings just part of it. Just stinks when it all happens in sync. Things change.

Up-Swing + things to work on

Pouring in hours. Rather than think about how many hours to play; or whether I should quit while up or down a certain amount -- I just play until I can barely keep my eyes open .. or until the games overall VPIP is down and then I get out of there. That way I don't have to feel guilty for not giving it my all. As long as I leave the card-room every day feeling as though I fought my heart out ... that's all a guy can do.

Things to work on / analyze:

**Am I over-limping from the SB/BB in straddled pots? When should I be limp/raising? What sort of range should I be limp/calling? Should I be limp/folding/trying to sneak in with a larger variety of hands? Am I over folding? Am I not opening enough from these positions during a straddle?

**How much am I costing myself chasing high hands? How much more equity do I have in hands such as KJs + broadway suited cards when the high hand is $1,000 - $2,000? When does it become profitable to play these hands differently? Or does it?

**I need to make some poker t-shirts. Few that come to mind are: "Panda" w/ a 5/2o as it's become a local legend of a hand and I know I could sell dozens of them and get a laugh. Also -- "Your mom staked me". silly shit that I could sport and make a few bucks here and there and tap into my creative side. 

All in all things are going well. Was up 1k or so last night; been bendering on Saturday nights w/ a little Addy after 10+ hours. Was playing on house monies and played a monster pot with AQo on a Q/4/5s board against a lady with 2/3s where we got all the money in on the flop when a Euro dood bet into met $60 after it went $60x5 or 6 ways pre. I just slaughtered $500 AI on flop and she overcalled with a loan straight draw on a two-tone board! She spiked a river A and it gave me Top Two ... so it stung a little bit as I thought I was scooping the 300bb pot or so. Oh well. Sooner or later will have that break through night of $2,000 -- $5,000; just have to keep plugging at it and putting myself into money making situations.

I'm paying down CC debt. I'm investing in the market and re-building my portfolio. 

Want to make sure I'm not falling for, "recency bias" when it comes to poker / losing hands. Places where this applies to me is when I"m not hitting sets or over folding mediocre hands such as A/10o and A/Jo.  Need to do some work w/ these hands. 

Grind grind grind grind. Win win win win. 

LETS GOOOOOOOOO

Down-Swing.

Lost my last 5 or 6 sessions.

So hungry to play -- not a lot of time to post.

Compounded mistakes by

1) Taking to many days off after losing
2) Sitting to deep once un-stuck 300bb and then losing a monster pot with to many chips on the table.


Lost a big one with QQ vs the over weight middle-aged lady. I told myself, "I will quit when she goes broke/leaves" and she stung me.

Straddled pot. Limps. I get QQ pop it to $70. She flats OOP and we take a flop of 10/4/2 two-tone she checks I fire off $100 and change. She calls.

Turn 8o she checks I fire $225 she slams ALL IN for $521 more. I earnestly didn't think she was capable of doing this with a combo draw but it's not completely impossible. I also knew she was a bit tilted so she could have a hand like A/10 with the flush draw. 10/8 was more feasible and then I have equity. I called. Was rooting for a river 2. River: 2.

She shows me 4/4 for a flopped set. Unfortunate that we were that deep. I mini tilted off $400-$500 back and ran out of there. *sigh*

Cold cards and anxiety as of late.

Lost a double stacked pot to Steven oakley sun glasses extremely brash always calling me names guy when I turned a set of 77s on a wet board and he peeled my pot sized bet with the bottom straight draw w/ two flush draws out there on the turn and binked an off suit river card for all the monies. What can ya do? JUST CONTINUE TO PLAY WELL AND GET THE MONEY IN WITH EQUITY

My house needs a new roof.
My AC is breaking.
My car is breaking down.
I'm short on mortgage money.
I haven't taken a vacation in a very long time.
I was finding it difficult to put hours in.

Here's the thing : it's all good.

All I need to do is put my head down and pour in the hours. I am so much better than these players. What's most important is that I DO NOT ALLOW MY ANGER TO TAKE OVER ME. Don't be a piece of shit.

Take walks.

Breath.

Don't call people names while losing / winning / simply don't be a bully.

Kill people with kindness At least do your best.

It's all good.

It's all good.

It's all good.

Don't allow emotions to control thought.

Make solid decisions.

Don't play scared.

Go south when to much money on the table.

Don't allow your ego to take over. It's ok to sit with 100bb's and grind. The money needs to be in your bank right now not on the green felt.

Win. Win. Win. Win.  Play two or three sessions a day. Be a casino rat. Destroy these kids!

10 days later. Data is more powerful than anyone's opinion...

Did not read my last post. Do recall bitching about money. Bitching like a little bitch. That's what females do. Men find solutions to problems. I am an alright guy, working his way to being a great man.

Sitting in my house and hermitting myself away from the world isn't a way to be great. It's simply a way to escape. Somehow in my twisted mind -- by doing the least amount possible it somehow was a win. 

It's not.

I'm feeling motivated more and more every day. Motivated to be the best fucking cardplayer that I've ever aspired to be. 

Over the course of the past 2 years ... I'm not sure how to justify it -- I simply got lazy. To make up for this past laziness I do not need to fall into the nerd-raging aderall induced freak that I was in my 20's / early 30s either. Whom knows what that chemical in balance did to my brain. The long term reprecussions and the thought of "I cannot win without it" mindset. Nobodies perfect that's for fucking sure. I do know this:

Within the past ten days I've played 40 hours 18 minutes of poker for a profit of $2,257 which = $55.99/hr. 

Over the course of the past 76 hours I've made $5,669 for a $74.33 hourly. 

When chatting with other mid-stakes regs these numbers are un-canny. 

Recently a younger kid attributed one of my local villian opponents as, "The best $2/$5 player in the country".

I scoffed.

Firstly because it's simply something that cannot be fucking measured or quantified.

Secondly ... because obviously I am. :)

Fell into a period of what I considered a zen-like state where I "Only played if I felt like it". I also wasn't keeping a poker log/tracker for over a year. It's something that I would never recommend any of my students -- but wasn't applying myself as I know that I am winning as if I wasn't I'd be homeless and 2) because scrolling over the numbers obsessively simply isn't healthy.

HERE'S MY LATEST PROBLEM:

I'M PLAYING SCARED ONCE WINNING 80-100BB in a session as I DON'T WANT TO LOSE!

HANDS WHERE I WAS WINNING AND PLAYED POORLY OVER THE PAST TEN DAYS:

**This one really bothered me**

Older Black Gentlemen in glasses with blue shirt whom was super ego inflated and running a 25%ish PFR/40-50% VPIP opens from UTG+1 to $25 and it's called in between. I look down at Q/Q and decide to play slow. (what the fuck Mark) **this hand is extremely embarrassing** Flats all around bringing pot size up to $175 (yes that's how good the games are) and a flop of 10/6/4 two-tone I hold the BDFD with a red Q. Villian bets $75 into the field I click back and make it $150 (he has me covered we start hand with $800. Jamie -- pro-golfer flats **and side note we have to break down her game or prepare to play for stacks when she is in my game or just GTFO of the god-damn game. **another side note** we perform much better it seems in non-weekend games where the game is more 'proper' and bets/raises receive more resepect. Once the game becomes ram and jam I tend to become to passive as my risk of ruin is extremely high atm, my risk aversion is low atm and my gambling spirit needs to an adjustments. **these are things that will be alleviated with putting in more solid winning hours and saving money simply for poker bankroll**

Folds in-between and villian calls. 3-way to turn. Pot size: $625. Turn: Ko. Check, I check, Jamie Checks. River: 10. Villian checks. We check to get to showdown **WE'RE COUNTING TO MUCH ON BLUE LINE RATHER THAN RED-LINE THESE DAYS AND PERHAPS OUR RED-LINE COULD BE IMPROVED?** -- another topic that needs addressed in due time. ** 

*sigh* fuck. I could cry writing this. How could I let this one get away? This hand truly did hurt my heart. 

Jamie bets $35 into $625 and villian raises to $200. 

**Check raise river bluffs are extremely rare -- in fact less than say ... 2% or so** (this number completely off the topic but in a live setting they just don't exist ** <<<-- and="" are="" as="" be="" but="" competent="" div="" enough="" fold="" game="" hard="" has="" hence="" higher="" i="" increase="" into="" just="" more="" my="" nbsp="" off="" often="" on="" opponent="" pot="" pull="" river="" roof="" should="" sizes="" so="" the="" them="" they="" through="" to="" variance="" why="" work="">

My robotic poker sense immediately went off. J/10 filled. K/10 was filled. Set of jacks filled. I have A/Q blockers.......... he starts giving me a speech after I go into the tank. "Oh you haven't folded yet guy?" "What's taking you so long to fold"

The old poker adage goes, "Strong means weak".  

Most players know this. This guy was a back-yard hillbilly out here in Central Florida and I forgot myself. I laid it down. Jamie folded. He shows 4-2s for a pair and I would have taken down the $850++ pot. 

I went on to flat Aces pre again looking for a behind the belt 3-bettor. Didn't find one. Took a flop a million handed and got raised on a K/7/7 two-tone board where I wasn't aware of where I stood. Not even sure if I won or lost that session -- but I quickly tucked tail and got the fuck out of the casino. Why in the fuck am I implementing pre-flop trapping strategies in an arena that has a low overall 3-BET PFR %?  **I simply made a mistake**  

Take a second. Am I making thoughts based on where I currently stand in a session? 

Or am I making decisions because that's what I know what to do inside my inner guide poker spirit?

I was making decisions based on money. 

Yes there's a difference between 'grinding' and 'playing poker' but some of those things still transcend over one-another and applying the fundamental rules of aggression within the game of poker still apply. 

Playing passively in these spots will bleed chips; and at least I'm not punting like some young Mark fish would do. 

My sessions have been short and sweet. Over the course of these past 76 hours no session longer than 10 hours. Many 3 hour sessions. I am allowing my emotions to control whether I sit and play or not -- if I am enjoying a conversation with a player / having a laugh I will find myself playing longer. Some days... when I'm filled with hatred and angst ... I just will not sit there and play and spend my life in hours of misery. 

Money is important.

It's just not that important to me any longer. 

It will come. It will go. If I am not tapped into the Fun-Loving playing poker to the likes of which I know how-to-do .... I will not play.

If I am telling myself "Past Mark would of been really happy that current Mark is up 100-200bb's" perhaps I should call it and leave.

Problem is how in the fuck will you win 400bb's if you leave every time you're up 200bb's? It's a never ending schizmatic of should I go? Should I stay? Should I set a clock? I am in this because I want to live my life in accordance to my rules. So ... the answer? Just leave when you fucking feel like and if you lose some back don't be a pussy bitch about it. Also don't play like a pussy if you decide to play.

Either stay and play fucking properly and get the god-damn chips in the middle and go w/ your reads / apply your knowledge. 

Or rack the fuck up and enjoy your fucking life.

It's not that difficult. It really isn't.

STAY MOTIVATED

THINGS THAT MOTIVATE ME:

BUILDING UP MY ROLL. 

TRAVELLING THE WORLD.

HAVING MY BILLS PAID OFF FOR THE NEXT YEAR.

GETTING BACK INTO THE MTT SCENE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU'RE A WONDERFUL CARDPLAYER. 

PAYING OFF MY MORTGAGE. 

SIMPLY NOT STRESSING OVER FINANCES.

ALL THIS IS EASY. ALL IT TAKES IS A LITTLE BIT EVERY DAY. GET IN THERE. 7. DAYS. A. WEEK. 

IT'S EASY. IT TRULY IS. I HAVE UTILIZED A GIFT AND AM DOING SOMETHING THAT I TRULY DO LOVE AND ENJOY. 

DATA IS MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OPINION AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CONTINUE TO POUR IN HOURS. THE RESULTS WILL TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. 

PUT IN FRESH FOCUSED HOURS.

**I MUST START TAKING PICTURES AND BREAKING DOWN ONE REGULAR AT MY LOCAL CARD ROOM EVERY SINGLE DAY** 

ONCE I HAVE A LARGER BANKROLL I WILL BEGIN REALLLLYYY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEIR TENDENCIES AND JUST FUCKING MY OPPONENTS UP :) ALL THEIR BASE BELONG TO US. I AM SIMPLY BETTER THAN THEM. TO MUCH HUMILITY HAS KILLED MY KILLER POKER SPIRIT. IT'S OK TO BE GOOD AT THINGS. IT'S OK TO BE SUCCESSFUL. LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT. IT'S OK TO BE HAPPY. IT'S OK FOR EVERYTHING TO BE OK.

After writing that -- and with fathers day just passing by .... I do realize that I have some ... not even sure how to define it; left-over dust in my brain with my father passing at such an early age. Almost as if within every day I'm just waiting for something negative to happen despite being a glass-half full sort of guy. Whether it's the detriment of losing a parent at such a young age; or simply life just battering me down each and every day as a gambler w/ no outside income .... I've developed a thought-process of not believing that it's within the realm of possibilities for me to truly become even more successful. As if purchasing this house and having lived the life that I have lived up to this point was the pinnacle of my success. 

It isn't. 

It's going to be even more amazing. It's also not going to happen over-night and it is my responsibility to apply the knowledge and blessings that I've received. 

I have started that process and will continue working on being the nicest, kindest but not-giving anything away at the tables guy. Inside the industry that I am in; with so many rough around the edges types and it being a zero-sum industry ... it's important that I am a light in a dark-tunnel. Kill my opponents w/ kindness and be as polite as possible while both winning and losing. 

Back to Blogging + Back to the Basics.

Hello! It's been awhile. I find it comical that throughout my blog at times I'm writing to the reader, and other times directly writing to myself. What would Carl Jung say about this?! Who knows. Who knows if psychoanalysis is even worth while. Who knows anything? What is even worthwhile? Am I spending my time and energy in a respectable manner? Whom is to judge this? What is driving me to do the things that I am currently doing? Where is it that I'm trying to go?

Having a mother whom is a CPA and an immigrant from Japan -- money was always an extremely important topic. In fact even now when I haven't spoke to her for a few weeks her first question is always "Are you making any money son?" It's been implemented in me since I can remember. By no means am I saying that she has any lack of love or anything to that effect at all ... just I do believe it's a different sort of relationship in comparison to my complete white-boy buddies.

Money. Money. Money.

I earnestly have come to the conclusion that if I were to acquire a pocket-roll of $50,000 it would alleviate so much anxiety and stress. Unfortunately the mountain seems so high to climb these days due to these silly excuses:

1) My passion for poker is at an all time low.
2) I'm currently house-poor and have dumped off most of my liquid bankroll.
3) My over-head is higher than the current cash I have in my pocket; and for the past 24 months since my house purchase I am continually dumping off what I have for life expenses just to keep my head above water.


How do I alleviate these problems?

1) Get your head out of your ass and just appreciate the game. Play 7 days a week even if it's only for 3 hours a day. That's still 20 hours a week and on some of those days you'll find yourself having an enjoyable conversation / laugh and before long a 10-12 hour session will ensue. To quote the great Woody Allen "Half of life is simply showing up". It really is true. I have talent and even if that's not the case -- I've put in well over my 10,000 hours (Malcolm Gladwell) and poker is second nature to me. Mistakes are truly minimal these days.

2) Spend less. Save more. Work harder.

Rambling. If I start to blog again these will not be proof-read. I do believe blogging/journal ing will hopefully reduce anxiety / stress and help me find a clear mind.

I have so much going for me -- and wake up feeling alright. Just ... one would believe that I should be over-whelmed w/ joy. I have an amazing partner. I am healthy. I own a beautiful home. Yet why is it that I feel so un-fullfilled? What is it that I'm thriving for?

My sponsoring thought to those questions are this:

1) You already have what you believe you desire.
2) You just have to take more time and create this perfect world that you want to create. (This sound so cliche and secretish ... but it's true.

I am going to put in hours. I am going to make great decisions day in and day out. Slowly but surely, if I apply the money acquired into the right places -- I will slowly begin to build up another solid bankroll again. That leads to bigger games, bigger money -- and tournaments for piles of cash all in one sitting. Not only that but my ego will thank me later.

Work. Stop being lazy. Save money. Don't allow girlfriend to be a poor influence on you. Don't make excuses. No one cares more about your well being than you do -- and especially your financial state. (after writing that it felt extremely self-centered and narcissistic but it's absolutely on point)

Everything doesn't have to be accomplished in one day. Take your time and if you find yourself off-kiltered during a session remember that poker isn't going anywhere ...

Poker inspiration

Poker, along with life, is a constant learning experience. So, don't be overwhelmed with your day to day results. To the guys putting together a living from a 52 card deck; be proud of yourself. You are accomplishing something others only dream of.

Yo!

I feel fucking good! Just getting up every day and being productive, makes ones insides go ... weeee! Yipee! I'm not even doing anything exciting ... just getting up, putting one foot in front of the other -- making a few good value bluffs, value bets, folding some 2nd bests and doing what my inner poker guide spirit tells me to do.

Almost won a 2nd ring last weekend. Got 70% of the chips in the middle total against the 2nd chip leader w/ 99 vs A/4s and came up short. I can't stand watching the cards run out these days as I've already done my work and it's simply up to the poker Gods, dealer, manifest destiny or whatever the fuck one believes in. So my theory is is that when my money goes in good, and I'm not watching the cards -- usually there's a stir from the crowd if I get sucked out on. During the 9s hand there must of been 10-20 people on the rail, and 3 players + dealer watching. Cards run out ... COMPLETE SILENCE.

I'm thinking, "I got it... I fucking to this one" ... " 70% of the chips in play with three players left. It's mineeeeee!!! Finally my 2nd ring after ten fucking years of grinding this fucking life out ... day after day...

I bring my head up to see that the first card out was a fucking A. I was now the short stack with 4 players left. Everyone in the crowd was so polite -- I can't even believe it.

Had fun. Decided to play 24 MTT's this year consisting of every multi day tournament that I'm around and 12 main events. Shouldn't be to difficult.

Picked up a student or two and have been learning a lot by teaching them. Making a few bucks to keep the lights on inside my newly (one year) purchased home. I'm super grateful for everything that is and all that a 52 card deck has provided me.